I want two things out of my life. 1) I want my life to have meaning; 2) I want to be able to comfortably earn enough money to pay everything that needs paying and still have a bit left over at the end of the fortnight. So far I'm a far stretch from either of those goals.
I'm not a greedy person, and I'm certainly not aiming for anything unreasonable. So why is it so hard? Why do I keep stuffing up so badly along the way? I have all these dreams and aspirations, but only rarely does anything positive come out of them.
I'll be 24 in 3 months. By the time my mum was 24 she had a 5yr old child (me), was working a dead end manual labour job to pay the bills, and usually didn't quite manage to pay them. But she was independent, she made things happen, and she was reasonably happy. She's still pretty much in the same position now, except now she's a single mum of 3 kids under the age of 12, and still working labourous jobs she hates and never being able to stretch the money far enough.
I look at others my age, those I went to school with. Around 95% of those I know about have partners and/or kid(s). Those that don't have steady jobs that they've been working in since not long after leaving school. I look at the jobs they have - beauty therapist, miner, police officers, retail assistants, childcare worker. These are the jobs these people wanted, and they went out and got them. Me - I wanted to be a high school maths teacher. I dropped out after 18 months of that course. I was failing because I hadn't been going to the classes. I couldn't handle those social situations. The following year I ended up start a primary ed degree, and loved it. Decided being a primary teacher was definitely for me. Then I got introduced to the world of research, and decided that is the career path I want to follow. I also realised that no matter how much I may want it I can't hack the school staff environment. So now I'm a qualified primary teacher but research is the career I'm pursuing. But then I wonder whether I've got it right this time, or if it'll only last until something else strikes my fancy?
Which brings me back to where I started... I know it's a financially viable option, but will a career in research contribute to giving my life meaning, and making a difference in this world? Something to contemplate further another day.